Kicking my ass

Today has been pure torture and all of it is that which I have brought on myself. I don't think I have the words in my vocabulary to properly describe how I've been feeling today.

Sorrow.

Regret.

Remorse.


These words just don't do justice to how I've feeling; not even close.

I've been beating myself up all day over this new drama. Again, this whole freakin' mess is all my fault. Obviously I'm upset that I hurt Mandie by jumping to conclusions and making assumptions that weren't there but I'm also really pissed off at myself. No matter how much I promise myself and others that I'm not going to make the same mistakes I've made in the past, what do I do? You guessed it: I keep doing the same shit over and over again. I don't mean to keep doing this. I'm totally sick of hurting those I care about by being so damned impulsive and quick to judge situations without fully knowing what's going on.

I've got to change.

So, as you can imagine, my day was pretty shitty. The show? Heh, that's a laugh. Needless to say my head was far from radio today. One bright note today was that I had a helluva workout at the gym tonight. I was determined to "kick my ass" and I did just that.

Since I got home I've been just sitting here thinking about everything. I'm so confused, it's not even funny. The whole thing about her blog entry... I think the best way to put it is that I couldn't see the forest for the trees, couldn't (or didn't) see what she was really saying there. I've done all I can do at this point... apologized, admitted that this whole thing is my fault. Now the rest is up to her.

How do I think all of this will work out? I haven't a clue. I do know, though, that I'll be fortunate if she still wants to be my friend after all of this, let alone anything more in the future.

Mandie emailed me earlier today and told me, basically, that she just had no clue what she was thinking or feeling about everything and she needed some time to sort things out. I told her, again, that I'm sorry and that this is all my fault. I also told her to take all the she needs. Whether it's a day, a week, a month... whatever.

I'm not going anywhere.

For anyone who may be doubting that I am truly heart broken over this whole situation, well, you evidently don't know me very well. I realize that I made a HUGE mistake by not properly evaluating the situation and jumping to conclusions before I had all the facts. As much as I'd love to be able to go back and have a do-over, I know that that's not possible. I made a huge mistake and I'm willing to do anything in the world to make this up to her. Of course, I realize that nothing can ever make up for something like this but I'd at least love an opportunity to show her how truly sorry I am for all of this mess.

I'm only human and I made a mistake. I've never claimed to be perfect, nor would I ever be cocky enough to claim to be (last time I checked, there was only one perfect person to walk the Earth and I'm certainly not Him). But that still is no reason for me to have done what I did.

Mandie, I'm sorry.

--Jonathan